Soul Searching

This weekend has really solidified some of my earlier beliefs and created some new ones for me. I feel as though I'm more at peace with my life right now. I'm still not overly happy with my life and where it's going, but I think I feel better about who I am and how I came to this point in my life.

This weekend has really solidified some of my earlier beliefs and created some new ones for me. I feel as though I'm more at peace with my life right now. I'm still not overly happy with my life and where it's going, but I think I feel better about who I am and how I came to this point in my life.

This process really began a week or two earlier, after discussing with a dear friend about indigo children. I was looking at a website, reading over their descriptions of indigo children and knew I wasn't one. But then I read about indigo adults, then it slowly dawned on me that maybe I am an indigo adult. The aspect they listed that I felt connected to the most dealt with a healing person- well connected to other's emotions, wanting to do something to improve the world, finding faults in systems and wanting to change them, etc. They didn't group them as being a healing person, but I feel like they're all connected elements.

After realizing that maybe there is more than meets the eye to me that I haven't fully grasped onto or have been repressing, I started to explore it more. By reading more websites, forums with other indigos talking away, talking with my friend more, I've been more comfortable with where I'm going right now.

The real enlightening experience for me happened early Friday morning (which happened to be my birthday). I was talking with my friend and our conversation swayed over to how sexually energized she was feeling by one of her other friends, and he was feeling the same. Without getting into too many details, I started thinking more about the bodies' internal energy. It must be there, somewhere, because we are after all built up of electrons and protons at the core, or if you believe in string theory, vibrating strands of energy. I started wondering if people share this energy between them, and why this would be happening. What purpose would a sharing of energy be used for?

My thoughts pushed on and I started to pursue more this thought of energy. I've always felt there is a reason for life, and there's a reason why humans only use a small percentage of their brains. Maybe humans are all progressing towards a state of unity, where eventually all our energies will be shared with each other. This makes sense to me, because when we mourn over the death of a relative/friend, we are missing their energy presence, mourning the fact that they won't reach this unity in spirit with everyone else. Or when we are connected with someone sexually, we are taken to a "higher place," or when a child is born, we feel energized- another potential person to be in unity with, more energy to add to the world.

What does this have to do with me though?

I started thinking about how these energies have existed in my past. I could probably go on forever with this, but tonight, I want to focus on previous relationships.

Whenever a close friend/lover decides that they don't want to talk to me again or not be as close of friends, I always seem to get depressed. My energy levels just drop significantly. I find myself sleeping more, not able to focus as easily on things, not willing to go out with people, etc. It took until this weekend to come up with a reason why this happens to me so frequently.

I'm a very passionate man and have a large heart with friends. When I care about someone, I really care about them. I feel hurt when they've made a choice that has the potential to damage them or did damage them. I'm not angry that they made that choice, so I don't give off those negative reactions that are common in most people. Instead, I just internalize it and try to help them cope with what they're going through. When I care about someone, there's a strong connection with me and that person, whether they can feel it or not.

When that bond is broken, it really damages me. I feel like all that energy and presence I gave that person has been eliminated permanently, like I lost a chunk of my life. I feel helpless and lost, and I'm still grounded with that person in my mind because I remember that connection I had with them. I remember that part of me I gave them and have lost.

Most of the people that I feel connected to have been able to rid their lives of me easily (dating other people before I even go out and try to meet people). This has always puzzled me, as well, but a possible answer to this problem may be found in energy. The person breaking the bond destroys the energy that was given to them in a final defensive act. They don't want to risk having that person in their mind and restrict their lives, so they get rid of it. They want to continue living their selfish lives with no remorse. Meanwhile, the person who is left holding the frayed end of that bond is stuck mourning the loss of that lover/friend, dealing with the emotional attachment to that part of themselves they gave up. Unless that person becomes selfish in anger/revenge, they will always be holding onto those memories of that bond.

This is exactly what happened to me last year. A bond was broken that was real strong, and now it has taken double its usual toll on my body, mind and spirit. I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from this loss, but I know I have to push on and tuck these memories away as life lessons to pass onto someone else. If that person decides to rebond with me, the connection will most likely be instantaneous as I still hold those memories that can pass back over to that person. Just like the other person's defence mechanism cutting the bond, my defence mechanism is to hold onto those memories, just in case.

I was looking at one of those cheezy websites offering advice about what to do to get over a breakup, and everything they suggested were selfish acts. For example, don't make any contact with them whatsoever. That's showing a bit of disrespect in my opinion if you eliminate all contact with them completely. It's exactly what the person who broke up with you wants, and it's the exact opposite of what should be happening. I see nothing wrong in holding onto these precious memories, as long as you can put behind you any regrets you may have had with that person.

Now a few examples that prove to me that this energy bond really does exist.

This weekend has really solidified some of my earlier beliefs and created some new ones for me. I feel as though I'm more at peace with my life right now. I'm still not overly happy with my life and where it's going, but I think I feel better about who I am and how I came to this point in my life.
Tantric sex - hundreds of years of literature can't be too wrong when dealing with the human mind and sexuality. People claim tantric sex connects their energy with their partner, creates more powerful and meaningful orgasms of a different nature, unifying the partners, etc. If energy passes through one person's body into their partner's through direct touch, is this why hugs and kisses feel so good, and why sex is one of life's ultimate pleasures?

I saw a program on tv (Real Sex) that discussed one porno director's experiments in Japan. His experiments were directed at getting to the root of sex and pleasure. One of his experiments consisted of two women being in the same room, but separated. One woman, sat on a couch and watched a porno through headphones. The other woman laid on a bed behind a screen, not able to hear or see the porno. As far as either woman knew, it was just going to be a series of questions, something plain. Once the porno started playing and the woman watching it got aroused, the woman on the bed started to feel all tingly. Eventually, both women orgasmed, with the one still not being able to see or hear anything. I personally found this incredible to watch and started thinking about all the other possibilities involved.

One of the things I thought about was the appeal of orgies: all that sexual energy floating in the room, being exchanged between couples, people, etc. Another thing is how some people are comfortable being with more than one person sexually or seeing others while dating another. Is it because they share the same ideals as me (a species united)? It would make sense if that were the case. They'd be closer to that ideal if they exchanged their energies with more than one person. Maybe I'll have better answers once I reach that point in my life of loving more than one person at the same time.

Where do I go from here? The one thing I need to start doing is focusing on my positive energies so people will be attracted to that, and also need to put myself out there in the world so people can find my energies. No one will find me while I'm staying at home.

And if you think this is all crazy, I don't care anymore.