45

Listening to Ryan Holiday's Discipline is Destiny has only made me more aware of how hard some great people have overcome their inner struggles, while other great people caved to them. The one thing in common with the people that defeated their challenges is, as the title suggests, discipline. Having discipline to remain in control of your actions and not overreact; to not allow yourself to have the moments of weakness where the drinks are more tempting; to be disciplined in now making up excuses for going on walks and pushing your body to maintain a routine; the discipline to remain content with the solitude of life and not look for an easy way out of it.

I learned how best to handle the challenges in my life this past year. For this coming year, I need to remain disciplined to stay on track and not return to old habits. Keep staying sober, keep up the routine of walking as much as possible, and keep finding ways to enjoy life on my own until the right person comes into my life.

– 44

Last year, I wrote a lot about the feeling of aloneness and becoming more comfortable with that feeling while navigating the world. Discipline was going to help pull me out of loneliness and be okay with being alone. The discipline continued through this year, but the aloneness has slipped away for a few different reasons. The world works in mysterious ways.

Starting sequentially, my daughter moved in with me full-time at the beginning of the year, after a few years of living with her mom during the week during the school year; weekends and longer school breaks with me. That was more of a challenge for us both than I think we both anticipated. More to come about that with her birthday post later this year. For myself, my routines were modified to accommodate her needs more often, and more attention was given to what exactly was going on in her life.

In previous years, the drama would come and go with our daily phone calls, but this year, what was happening in her life was more present for me. Hearing snippets of the conversations from her room, getting the random updates while I was working, and then helping her navigate the personal problems that were happening, not just schoolwork-related ones. There was a definite shift in energy with having to be more present for her during the school year when she remained at home more often than in the summer months. A challenge for us both, but not one I would change.

The other surprising thing to happen to me was meeting a young woman towards the beginning of the year. For anyone who has been reading this site over the years, my experience with dating apps has not been a great experience. This woman came to me from a chance encounter, not from a dating app or a singles event. I think I can speak for us both when I say it caught us both by surprise. Her not being able to look at me directly when speaking for the first while; me tuning into the small details of how she touched her hair or smiled gave us an inkling of the mutual interest between us.

That chance encounter led her to ask me out– I turned her down!

In hindsight, I was incredibly dumb to do that and thank my lucky stars every day that she decided to continue talking with me. I am biased but can honestly say she is an incredible woman in every way and could be with anyone. Her choosing to be with me is a blessing.

Fast forward all these months later, and our connection couldn't be stronger. There have been a lot of adjustments on both sides, mainly on her end, let's be honest. I am now 45 years old and quite set in my ways, plus having a teenage daughter in my life. That is different for her, challenging at times, but as each challenge occurs, we manage to talk things through and find a new way forward with our new life together.

There is much more to say about us in the future. What I do want to touch on now is the shift from aloneness to togetherness this year with her. Being an introvert, and a quiet one at that, communicating in person or over the phone/video doesn't come easily to me. She is very much an extrovert (no complaints), and she is very good at bringing that side out of me once again. Talking over video chat and the days spent together have made me feel much more comfortable and lively. The number of laughs we have had together this year is infinite. Mouthing words to each other when around others, giving each other little looks, finding the quick moments to touch each other's hands, it has all felt natural to me and energizing.

Social encounters normally drain me immensely, but not with her. I feel a new energy that is welcomed in my life. I am in love.

What the new year will bring the three of us, including my daughter, is anyone's guess at this moment. It's been a welcome change to have a house full of people again and hearing people live. It sure beats the quietness of the house from years past and having to rely on podcasts to feel human again. There are always going to be more adjustments for us. I feel a growing confidence that we can continue to make it work, and life will be good for all of us together.

I wasn't expecting life to change so much for me this late in life. I am sure as I look back and read this from the future, I will never regret any decisions made this year. On to the future year of being 45.

A quick update on being more disciplined this year, since that was part of what I wrote about last year. Last year, I highlighted wanting to continue walking more and continue being sober. I am happy to say that I have been rather successful at both of those items. Being sober has become easier as time goes on. I limit myself to one or two drinks, once a month, and it has been working well for me. When I do drink, I can enjoy the taste of it and not use it for an escape like I did in the past.

With the walking, I have managed to keep going for walks up to four times a week, averaging around 5 km each time. The pace of the walks has been increasing throughout the year, especially once I shifted to going down the Mission Creek Greenway this fall. Being able to walk at any pace I want without having to worry about traffic lights or slower pedestrians has been a nice change. Still not quite at the pace I was going when I started tracking my times five years ago or so, but getting closer. Maybe next year I will feel good enough to start running a bit.

Throughout the year, there have been some other changes to eliminate some of the vices I continue to get drawn to that pull me away from other important things, namely more time with my girlfriend. I have eliminated Twitter, Instagram, Threads (the elimination of Instagram/Threads is more recent and I'm unsure if I will use it again), and sports channels (only watching when the games are broadcast on the regular TV channels). These changes have given me an astounding amount of time to do other things I enjoy, especially connecting with my girlfriend more. I find myself reading more, playing more chess, and have cut back on the internal stress I kept experiencing from having to catch up on social media feeds.

All of these things cut from my life have left me feeling much better overall. I think life is only going to get better the more I shift my focus away from those extras to focus on the people closer to me.

Recommendations

A song that reminds me of her:

Tangle

This has been an indispensable resource for me this past US election cycle. Isaac Saul sends out a daily newsletter centred around the various news items of the day, mainly US but sometimes international, supplying thoughts from both the left and the right, and then his opinion. It has been providing me with a better, more balanced understanding of how each side is viewing the issues. The edition talking about the final US election results is a good starting point.

Right Thing, Right Now by Ryan Holiday

The latest in Ryan's series of books discussing the four virtues of Stoicism. I wrote about the book on discipline last year, so it isn't surprising to have the latest show up on the list. As the title suggests, this book is all about doing the right actions and being honest with ourselves. The more I read about the lives of other people—Gandhi, Truman, Frederick Douglass—the more helpful it is to make the right decisions in my life. All of Ryan's books are featured on my blog for a good reason. The lessons found within are universal and applicable regardless of what is happening in the world.

Meditations for Mortals - Oliver Burkeman

This is Oliver's second book after Four Thousand Weeks which was very good. I'm not sure why I didn't write about it last year when it came out. Meditations is a good companion book for it. Four Thousand Weeks talked about how much time we have on earth and how to make use of it without burning ourselves out, rejecting the notion of getting all the things done. In the latest book, it is divided up into four sections of 7 mini-chapters each. The sections cover broad areas for reflection which make it an easy read. It isn't a daunting 300+ word book about personal productivity, but 28 chapters of five pages at most. The four sections cover: being finite, taking action, letting go, and showing up. I am nearly finished it and can say it is excellent. The number of highlights I make continue to build up. Here is one:

Sometimes it’s OK just to read whatever seems most fun. Spending half an hour reading something interesting, moving, awe-inspiring or merely amusing might be worth doing, not just to improve who you become in the future – though it might do that too – but for the sake of that very half hour of being alive.

Slow Productivity by Cal Newport

The books from Cal have also been a frequent topic for my posts over the years. His latest one came out at the beginning of the year and continues his writing about the deep life, taking moments to reflect and think without giving yourself a hard time about not being productive enough. Oliver has similar thoughts in the section about taking action in his book, and the two of them had a great discussion about it on a recent episode of Cal's podcast. In this book, Cal defines slow productivity as:

A philosophy for organizing knowledge work efforts in a sustainable and meaningful manner, based on the following three principles: 1. Do fewer things. 2. Work at a natural pace. 3. Obsess over quality.

For anyone feeling overwhelmed with knowledge work (any work that is computer-based rather than physically active) should consider reading this book and listening to his podcast.

Other music recommendations are slim this year as I tended to play the same playlists continuously. A new artist for me is Ibrahim Maalouf, a Lebanese jazz artist, who has a different style. This is one track that I enjoyed.