Play the video, then read on:
Since my (ex)-girlfriend left me over a week ago, I have found myself with a lot more time to do whatever I want. A good portion of that time has been thinking. I can’t say specifically what I have been contemplating, because at this point in my life, my mind is wandering a lot. What I can tell you is that thinking has helped me sort everything out for the better.
There have been multiple times before where I wanted to sit down and write out my thoughts, to respond to other blog posts, and to zone out while watching a movie. It is what I did in the past to conquer my failures and disappointments. Doing such is not the best way for me to feel better, however. It is a band-aid put on a gaping wound. This time around, I decided to face what is happening with me internally and sort things out without trying to distract myself from the world of hurt happening within.
While I sort things out in my mind, I am still reading blogs. I have a love/hate relationship with blogs, it seems. I have gone through various streams of thought in regards to blogs: how a niche blog is not good for our minds, or how much of the same topic I see everywhere (and at different time frames), for example. Lately, my feelings towards blogs has been how machine like they are. I have referenced before how oppressive SEO (search engine optimization) can be on people’s writings. That still remains the same, but now there is a growing concern of how impersonal they are. Everyone is concerned about churning out content that is on topic and focused on one area. What is left out of the equation is the person. The absence of the human in today’s writings has made me struggle on how to approach my own problems that have been happening with me for months now.
People generally find release when stressed out in different ways – exercise, smoking, beating someone up, eating a tub of ice cream, etc. For me, writing is my therapy (even though I’m scared to death of when faced with a blank page/screen). Every time I sat down to write about what is happening with me, I kept thinking about how no one is writing about their problems. If I wrote about my personal life here, would it scare people off, or would it be welcomed? What happens when my friends on Facebook read it? Will they be upset that they discover something through a blog instead of in a personal message (or somewhat personal status message)? The conclusion I came to is the same one my girl friend came to regards to me: fuck it. What do I have to lose in writing this? She was willing to give me up in order improve herself with another person in another location. Certainly, I can forget about my fears of backlash, unfriending, rude comments to better myself. [Aside: Part of this attitude may be caused in part by listening to The Prodigy’s The World is On Fire on maximum volume in studio headphones – plus having a few drinks. Can’t recommend that combination more right now. Purchase it on Amazon and help me buy another bottle of rum – just kidding. Seriously, do listen to it.
Where was I? Oh yeah, fuck it. When I set out to revamp this site, I thought the tagline of “framing our experiences” felt appropriate to me. Now, I am not so sure I want to go down that road. Why pretend to be something that I’m not? I am interested in making people aware of what is happening out there, the people they should be reading and so forth, but doing so will cause me to lose touch with myself. I want to continue to do what I am happiest doing, regardless of how other people take it.
When my blog went down for several days, I had the chance to look over some of my posts at my original WordPress blog, Isolated. The stuff I wrote there, especially at the beginning, was deeply personal, somewhat dark, and really helped me discover my voice. I lost that voice somewhat on this site, and I want to rediscover it. I know, this is going to go against the stream, but I hope my writings here will be encouragement for a more personal engagement on blogs more regularly.
Before people jump to conclusions, I am not an alcoholic by any stretch. I am not depressed either. I actually feel much better about myself in most ways now that I am able to eat on a regular schedule, taking long walks in the 30C weather, and exercising at home more. I am keeping myself physically and mentally stimulated more than I was in the past. Things can only go up for me. Final note, I am deeply indebted to a Mr. Stan Faryna for personally saving the existence of this blog. Well, making it possible for me to come back sooner rather than in December. He read my plea for a donation and went above and beyond my expectations. I’m including the link at the top in case someone else wants to donate to the cause and join Stan as a patron of Four Sides. Thank you again, Stan.
What we’re dealing with here is a total lack of respect for the law I’m the law and you can’t beat the law (Note) I’m the law and you can’t beat the law I’m the law and you can’t beat the law Fuck ’em and their law
Crack down at sundown Fuck ’em and their law