In the beginning, there was me. And I stared up at the world and said nothing. I saw a hot nurse and said nothing. I sat on the floor in my house and stared at the television, stared at my mother folding laundry, stared at the dog running around, and said nothing. I watched people walk around on two feet, sit down on a couch, watched the dog run on all fours and lay down. I did not move. Until one day I moved from a sitting position, onto my hands and knees, and started moving around. There was no rolling on my stomach or back, just instant crawling. Same thing happened with walking. I kept watch of people and then decided one day to just stand up and walk. I probably fell down after a few steps, but I was still walking (unassisted, as far as I know).
Same thing happened with talking. My dad would sit me down in his lap, showing me a book, reading outloud, not thinking I was really paying attention to what was written down or how it was said. Most kids start off saying “dad” or “mom” or “cat” and so on. I was nearly four years old and my parents were quite concerned because I never said a word. Not a peep. Maybe a laugh, but never tried to form words on my own. Then one day, I surprised them by starting to speak in crude sentences (like “dog look hungwy” or something). Then I started to read simple books and do basic math – all before getting into kindergarden. I was held back a year when I did go to kindergarden (at age four) however, because I wasn’t socializing enough. Didn’t matter if I need math and could read, it was all about socializing. Whatever.
Anyways, I’ve always been like this. I’m always studying and observing people, calculating what I should be saying before actually say it. I guess you could say I’m reserved, but when I do act, it’s meaningful. When I’m around people, when I say something, more often than not people will listen and what I say isn’t, for lack of a better word, crap.
As a tangent to all of this, because I study so much ahead of time before doing something, I hate making mistakes. I’m really rough on myself for screwing up, big or small, more so than most people it seems. Unfortunately, I feel like I’ve made one huge fucking mistake when I moved to Syracuse. Since then that mistake has been snowballing for me and creating the appearance of a larger mistake (ie losing money in the move lead to troubles with girlfriend to car breaking down, to not connecting with coworkers, and eventually breaking up with the girlfriend to losing even more money moving back to Canada and so on). I have a lot of trouble separating these events into unique experiences and instead end up making the problems larger than they should be. I don’t think I’ve ever really been so down and negative on myself for years.
As my mom said tonight, I’m a high achiever. Considering my age, I’ve done a lot of good jobs, been quite accomplished in University and high school, etc. Now that the ride has stopped for me or taken a pause, it’s very hard to deal with.
Because of all this, I’m looking for that next person in my life who can help me get over things and return me to the strength and confidence I had before I left Regina. It’s not very healthy how I’m going about it (focusing my search online and not in person) and I keep wondering if I’m making a mistake by doing all the hunting. Should I just sit back and coast, and risk being single for the rest of my life, or do I keep looking and tracking down the women I’m attracted to? At what point do I give up looking online and log off permanently? (and if you’ve read my previous posts, you know why I’m looking online).
The more I’m online, the more restless I get, and the more trouble I get into. Maybe I should just get out now before I do even more damage.