Long lit up tonight and still drinking
Don’t we have anything to live for?
Well of course we do
But till they come true
Japandroids, “The Nights of Wine and Roses”
Have you ever had one of those nights where you’re completely restless, no matter what you do, you’re not completely satisfied?
I’m having one of those nights tonight. The day has been full of little changes in plans. First, it was planning to go for a long hike, but then it started pouring rain after I had put on my shoes. Then I was supposed to meet up with the ex to give her something, and then she changed her mind. Finally, it was walking over to a neighbourhood pub to watch the UFC fights, only to discover they weren’t showing them.
Instead of having a meal and some drinks in the pub, I returned home to have a few drinks while watching the baseball game on tonight. It’s the playoffs, my favourite time of year, and the game tonight was especially dramatic. A large lead heading into the bottom of the 9th inning, only to have the other team rally and tie it up. It went on for a few more innings, so I got my money’s worth of entertainment in the end.
The entire time I am sitting on the couch, I felt the desire to do something more. I stayed on the couch, because I couldn’t quite figure out what to do. I felt an urge to write. Without a topic in mind, I gave up on that idea (for the moment). My body was already sore from an earlier workout and I didn’t want put even more strain on it. No one wants to clean at 10 PM at night, regardless of the day. Instead, my mind meanders through all sorts of topics: what kind of woman I want in my life, where to find her, what to do with work, reflecting on my daughter’s growth, and so forth.
When the ball game ends, I get up to turn off the television, fix myself a strong drink, and put on some music to act as a muse. I figure the combination of the music and drink would settle me down somewhat. I sit down in my office to play with ideas, both through the keyboard and a notepad.
I have been playing around with an idea for a new website to preoccupy some time on the weekends, forcing me to get out of the house a little more. I want to write about coffee shops and little anecdotes about the culture created in those spaces. The conversations, the art, the music, the spoken word. Be a little more focused than this space, while still offering some freedom of topics to cover. I have always wanted to write more about art and culture but could never figure out the best approach. It felt weird to be sketching out this concept while drinking a rum ‘n’ coke, so I decided not to pursue it much further than a shell of an idea.
Flesh it out in the morning with a fresh mind. And a cup of coffee.
Saturday night is the worse night for a guy like me to be feeling restless. If I’m more extroverted, it would be so much easier. I would be out at a club, dancing, listening to the music, or just drinking at a bar and trying to strike up conversation. Going to a pool hall and challenging the other guys, go some place to try and find a girl for a night.
But that isn’t me. I don’t seek out those opportunites to interact with people like that. The only situation I feel even remotely comfortable with is sitting around a blackjack table. Everyone has something in common: we’re either all winning or losing, rarely (in my experience) is it a bit of both. That option isn’t a very compelling solution for my anxious behaviour tonight. Mainly because the local casino is evil. Partially because it’s a Saturday night and would be busy as hell.
Instead, I find myself writing this. Writing, deleting, pausing to read and edit on the fly, delete more, write even more. Barely 700 words and it has taken what feels like a lifetime to get to this point. When you have plenty of time to kill, this doesn’t bother me at all.
Although, the entire time I am writing this, I keep asking myself: what am I missing?